I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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