I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
