You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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