so let's talk penis.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
