Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
do herpes really smell.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
