i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
