Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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