omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
