I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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