We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
