I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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