my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
