question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize