my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
