mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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