I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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