I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
