I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
