after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
