i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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