note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
