I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
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I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
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I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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