your thong is hanging out like whoa
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Buhtt sex?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
