WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
