Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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