He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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