everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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