Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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