We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
