Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
