dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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