I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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