This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
