then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
