I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
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Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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