I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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