he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
