In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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