You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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