Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
