I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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