My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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