I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
