remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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