ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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