i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
