Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
