Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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