Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
