My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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