Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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