I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
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I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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