My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
