im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize